Monday, December 26, 2011

These are a few of his favorite things...

Farmer Ted has proclaimed his two favorite gifts from Christmas are

electric fireplace for the lair and fur hat with ear flaps.
He has proclaimed that he is never taking it off.  The hat that is.

Merry belated Christmas GrowDammit peeps!  We hope y'all had a glorious day filled with peace, fun and family.  And warm, furry hats.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

And then I melted.

Okay, so I didn't really melt.  I do think I had a hotflash about an hour ago.  Seriously Menopause?  I'm only 42.

Ted and I were down in the lair shooting the shit, when I totally broke out in a sweat.  Down in the lair, which is about 60 degrees right now.

Ted:  Are you okay?

Me:  I think I'm having a hotflash?  I'm sweating.  Actually, I might be dying.

Ted was so worried that he immediately Googled "hotflash."

Ted:  Sudden feelings of warmth, mostly spreading over your upper body?

Me:  Yes

Ted:  Profuse sweating?

Me:  Gross. Yes

Ted:  Sudden chill as it wears off?

Me:  Not yet because it's not wearing off.  If it weren't raining, I'd go outside and lie down in the driveway.

Ted:  Go stand in the garage.

Me:  I have to go upstairs.

Don't worry, it's all over now.  I think I scared Ted, but only because he is convinced that menopause turns women into raving lunatics.  He hasn't once left the lair to come check on me.

Thanks a lot for the concern Babe.  I promise that I will try not to stab you or anything crazy for the next few years.  I definitely will not go hotflashdancing.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Friday, December 16, 2011

My neighbors are being so uncooperative.

Last week I was running errands after work, and lo and behold I saw a grown woman in the food store parking lot who looked like Christmas had vomited on her. She had on the predictable tacky Christmas sweater, green velour sweatpants and red Keds.  Okay, so that ensemble isn't really surprising to see this time of year.  Unfortunately, she of course accessorized.  With a blinking Santa hat.  And a blinking Christmas light earring and necklace set.  The worst part was I couldn't get a picture because I was driving, and almost ran into the person in front of me who probably stopped short  because he wasn't believing what he was seeing either.  I don't think she was my neighbor.  Bless her heart.

Anyway, that inspired me to chronicle on the blog about When Christmas Throws Up.  And, I knew exactly what my first post was going to be.  The neighbors on the street behind me have decorated.  With no less than 4 huge inflatables in their front yard and 4 or 5 in their back yard.  I've been stalking their house trying to get pics.  I even drove out of my way tonight on the way home.  Here's the thing.  They never have them on.  They have sad, sorry pools of melted plastic Frosty, Santa, snowglobes and whatever the hell else just lying in their yard.  All day and all night.  I guess they got their first electric bill.

Next...just say no to net lights.  Especially if they only partially cover the shrub you half-assed threw it on.  It's the height of lazy.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree

How blingy and silvery and poofy your branches.

Aluminum Pom-Pom tree with green color wheel or gold, they look the same in pictures.

Blue color wheel.

Red color wheel.
Complete with vintage Shiny-Brite and Jewel-Brite ornaments.  I really, really want the rotating color wheel stand...if anyone was wondering what to get me for Christmas.

And then, we had to bring home the largest real tree we could find.

Ted had to cut at least a foot from the trunk and a foot off of the top so it would fit.  No wonder he refused to watch Christmas Vacation with us.  "Lots of sap."

Don't worry people, Scrooge is coming around.  When Ted and I first reconnected, he didn't celebrate Christmas.  At all.  Now look at him, cutting down trees and turning on the lights before I get home at night.

Enough with the sap.  There's a new poll.  The Herb Finale.

Next...One inflatable lawn ornament is one too many, unless it's this one...

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Nothing says Christmas

Like an elf with razor teeth...

drawn by the Eldest Spawn, age 3
Bwaaahaaahaaha.  Art was never his strong suit.

You know what this means people.  The Wannabes have been decorating.  After yesterday's foray out in public to run errands fully reaffirmed for me the fact that I have come to loathe and despise not only most people but this holiday, today's events were needed to put me in a better mood.

C'mon people.  If Christmas makes you want to run red lights, stop signs and over the elderly in a parking lot, then you need to take a break and reassess the reason for the season.  I wish I could realistically stay inside my house for the entire month of December.

Next...That's right, I have an aluminum pom-pom Christmas tree and it is righteous.