Thursday, March 29, 2012

Just when I thought I had experienced all of the weirdness in the world...

I woke up yesterday morning, and my friend Nicole had posted the best Facebook status Ever...

Hilaria ensued, and she concluded that was a term she could go the rest of her life without ever having to hear again.  So, of course my Facebook status was...

And there was all kind of speculation.

If you guessed that Vajazzling involves bedazzling your Va-Jay-Jay, then you win.  If you can call that kind of knowledge winning.

Yes people, the newest thing in vaginas is to bling them out with crystals.

And then, I took a household poll about it with the NC-17 members of the house (the eldest spawn turns 17 this year and he refused to leave the room...stop judging me)...

Me:  What would you do if you were hooking up with a chick and her hoo-ha was decorated with Swarovski crystals in the shape of a butterfly?

Ted:  Don't get any bright ideas.

Me:  So, I'm right then and that's really fucking weird?

Ted:  Hookers.

Me:  Don't you think it would be uncomfortable?  To have crytals glued to your genitalia?

Ted:  Fucking Hookers.

Eldest Spawn:  Ummm, I think I'm going to go upstairs.  I'm tired.

Ted:  Vaginal decoration.  Really?

Eldest Spawn:  Goodnight.

Thanks Nicole.  You've scarred the spawn for life.  I didn't even go into the whole Winter Bush thing.

New...There is a website dedicated to this, which isn't surprising.  What is surprising is that people can send in their own homegrown vajazzles.  Warning:  There is a heavy dose of razor burn.

If a man vajazzles, is it still vajazzling?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Eat My Short Ribs

The youngest spawn requested we have rib night.  He wasn't sure if he liked beef ribs, so we ended up having them two ways.

It's how we roll.

Braised beef short ribs over roasted poblano cheddar grits w/ refried pinto beans and sweet picked red onions & jalapenos.

Braised country style pork ribs over grits w/ refried mojo black beans and pickled onion/jalapeno.

We didn't even bother to sit down to eat.

The verdict...


So good in fact, that Farmer Ted is going to do the beef ribs as a special next week at his restaurant, and add it as a tapas to the party menu.

Pickled Red Onions & Jalapenos

2 limes, juice & zest
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup sugar
1 jalapeno, seed and sliced thin
1/2 small red onion, sliced thin

Bring the lime, vinegar and sugar to a boil.  Take off the heat and let it cool for 5 or so minutes.  Pour over the onions and jalapeno, and refrigerate for a few hours.

Next...Are everyone's eyeballs the same size?  And, other conversations with Farmer Ted.

Friday, March 23, 2012

In the Doghouse

Man...I didn't do nuthin'!

Backstory...The youngest spawn came home sick from school midmorning one day last week and stayed home sick again the next day.  And, then he got over the plague and went back to school.  So what you say?

Rufus versus the $50 backpack is what.
What we all failed to remember was that in the bottom of that backpack was an old lunch with ham in it that didn't get eaten the day the spawn came home early.  The Dragon's senses are keen, and being a jackass he tore through canvas and stitching in the bottom of the bag to get that lunch.  The only thing left standing was the lettuce.

What can I say?  That damn dog loves him some ham.  Probably even more than he loves Farmer Ted and parmesan cheese.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

And then, My Dermatologist called me easy...

When I was fully clothed the whole time.

At the end of my visit today, he told me I was his easiest patient so far after he told me that whatever the fuck is growing on my chest probably isn't cancer.

I have some sort of colorless, scaly growth that appeared on my chest.  Relax, it's small and doesn't make me look like I have a goiter or anything.  However, my general practitioner was concerned enough to have it looked at and I am vain enough to want it off to the skin doc I went.  I mean, I did my share of tanning back in the 80's with babyoil.  To not keep an eye on skin issues would be stupid.

Anyway, he thinks it is something not cancerous that can be solved with a cortisone shot.  He asked me if I wanted it biopsied or wanted the shot.  I asked him if he was the expert that should make that call, or was I?  To which he acknowledged my point and suggested that I take the shot, and if the shit didn't clear up in two weeks THEN we needed to have a biopsy.  To which I agreed because I'm paying him a gazillion dollars a minute to tell me what to do.

And then, it got better.  A few months ago, I paid him a quarter of a gazillion dollars to walk in and get a not insurance covered cortisone shot in my head.  Why?  Because, I had somehow for whatever reason had a run in with alopecia, which caused a nickel sized bald spot in my scalp.  And being vain, I ran to him and he suggested, it turns out, the exact same shot of cortisone.  Which worked because my hair grew back.  At which point when he told me today that I would be getting the exact same shot, I told him that if I started growing hair on my chest he was in trouble.  I'm his easiest patient of the day?  No wonder he charges a gazillion dollars an hour.

So we'll see how all of that goes.

In the meantime, my go to treatment for anything will be Clorox because of this sequence of events:

Me:  Dammit, I just burnt my hand on the oven element.

Ted:  Put some Clorox on it Baby.

Me:  ???

Ted:  That's right, bleach.  Nothing is gonna survive that shit.

Fastforward me recently at my General Practitioner for some sort of nail fungus/issue:

Me:  Yeah, so my nail ends are all yellow and the nails hurt.

GP:  But, it's at the end of your nails.

Me:  I want to rip my nails out of my fingers.

GP:  It's not coming from your nail beds like a normal fungus.

Me:  I don't do anything normal.

GP:  I would change up my mani/pedi place and Clorox your nails.

Me:  You're kidding right?

Ted:  I told you.

The good news is, I probably don't have skin cancer.  And if I do, I'm going to Clorox the crap out of it just in case.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Tsk. Tsk. Mannie...

Did you really think misspelling your name on this establishment would throw us off the fact that you are involved in selling your meat?  Again.

I have my spies Mannie.
Albeit unwitting spies in this case, they are out there.  A friend of mine who is off the charts smart, as well as beautiful inside and out and fiercely loyal, giving...all in all amazing...and who doesn't think she is any of those things ate at your Family Restaurant today Mannie.  She gave it a solid thumbs down.

I suggested to her that it is perhaps she thought she was eating a "wIEner" when in fact, she was eating a "wEIner."  The fuck Mannie?  Being a Wando grad, I can at least spell wiener and my name correctly.

Next...We have seeds in the ground.  Peas and lettuce people!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Manicure Madness, or just another Pinterest anomaly.

The whole fascination with the sock monkey enigma on Pinterest first brought this craziness to my attention...Apparently a trend is to pin unusual fingernail decorations that you heart so much you must try one day.

This I don't classify as crazy, something I would never have the patience for definitely but cute & whimsical nonetheless...Not sure how I could walk into my office with it the next day and expect to be taken seriously.  And, they are pretty laid back.  At my office.  Not the nails.

These are just batshit crazy.  Call me old.  Call me out for having my No Fun Light on, but seriously?  Surely no adult does this?  I pray that no teenage spawn looking for employment does this.  Who are these Pinteresteoples?  Do they have jobs?  Where do they work?  Are they really tweens trying to be all grown up?


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Up Yours Rudy!

You may or may not know, depending how closely you follow me on Twitter, that I work for an IT development company that specializes in higher education cloud technology.  One area of expertise for my company is developing solutions to ease the way for transfer students to save time and money on their path to a degree.  It's frustrating, complicated and convoluted.

Anyway, while recently conducting a research project about Ivy League and Elite institutions to determine marketability of our website to the institutions who want their castoffs I discovered that today Notre Dame would give the Rudy's of this world...

A big Fuck You.
I'm not sure what makes me sadder, the fact that my spawn will never have the chance to be Rudy if they needed the opportunity...or the fact that Notre Dame felt the need to go there and ruin such a feel good story.  I mean really Fighting Irish?  Considering how your football program has been lackluster, perhaps you should rethink your stance on Rudy.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

At least he didn't cut off his thumb. This time.

Tonight Ted was helping me make eggplant lasagna.  And, by helping I mean he took over the slicing of the eggplant on our brand spanking new "possibly the safest" mandolin on the planet because he couldn't stand to let me use it first.

Tiller Ted, immediately dispensed with the safety guard and started slicing away.  Go big, or go home...right?  He also sliced off a largerish part of the side of his right thumb.  Yes, it is as gross to watch as you can imagine.  He wanted me to elaborate this blog post with pics.  Y'all can thank me later.

Just like I am thankful that there are no pictures about the time he was tearing around a kitchen getting rolled and actually cut off his thumb by grabbing a piece of sheet metal.  You heard that right.  I'll let him give you the gory details.  I'm still totally grossed out by the 1/4 inch of thumb slice I saw tonight.

Monday, March 5, 2012

To be fair, I did tell Farmer Ted that I wanted it big...

This year's garden People.  Minds out of the gutter.

And Ted, being Ted, tilled up the entire back yard.  Not some of it.  All of it.

Pictures to come because it is too dark to take one now.

Next...pea and lettuce seeds need to be sown.  This would have happened this weekend, but we opted to nap instead...because we had snow flurries.