Friday, December 16, 2011

My neighbors are being so uncooperative.

Last week I was running errands after work, and lo and behold I saw a grown woman in the food store parking lot who looked like Christmas had vomited on her. She had on the predictable tacky Christmas sweater, green velour sweatpants and red Keds.  Okay, so that ensemble isn't really surprising to see this time of year.  Unfortunately, she of course accessorized.  With a blinking Santa hat.  And a blinking Christmas light earring and necklace set.  The worst part was I couldn't get a picture because I was driving, and almost ran into the person in front of me who probably stopped short  because he wasn't believing what he was seeing either.  I don't think she was my neighbor.  Bless her heart.

Anyway, that inspired me to chronicle on the blog about When Christmas Throws Up.  And, I knew exactly what my first post was going to be.  The neighbors on the street behind me have decorated.  With no less than 4 huge inflatables in their front yard and 4 or 5 in their back yard.  I've been stalking their house trying to get pics.  I even drove out of my way tonight on the way home.  Here's the thing.  They never have them on.  They have sad, sorry pools of melted plastic Frosty, Santa, snowglobes and whatever the hell else just lying in their yard.  All day and all night.  I guess they got their first electric bill.

Next...just say no to net lights.  Especially if they only partially cover the shrub you half-assed threw it on.  It's the height of lazy.


  1. Lol, Yeah mom just bought a santa in a helicopter inflatable, in addition to the wired light up geese and not to mention the freakin unnatural GLOWING bushes we have.. it looks like santa took a marry crap all over the house and its just holly jolly EVERY WHERE!

  2. If you want to see Christmas throw up, visit Seuss Landing in IoA. It's especially effective at night. Don't look too long; a seizure may ensue!


  3. Good Gawd! Christmas at Seuss would just throw me over the top; I'm still a little bitchy about the holidays but I'm coming around. In case anyone was wondering... The Chef up there is our Spawnette! Every now and again she'll pop up here on the Growdammit blog so... That's her. (Light up Geese, Huh?) That doesn't surprise me at all...

    I'll finish up with the guestroom today; I should have had it done last wee but (As usual) I assed around waited until the last second to do anything. I'm an 11th hour type of guy so that's what I'm gonna be doing today but before THAT? The youngest spawn has decided that He's the omelet KING, so we'll chomp down on some omelets before anything else. Oh yeah... Smoothies too. (He's also the smoothie King.) I dunno where all of this cooking talent has been hidden but I'm not bitchin' about it. Seeing as how we're talking about the kids... That leaves the eldest Spawn. There's really not much to tell with this one... He's pretty even keeled as far as kids go. A few weeks ago, He's playing his first Rugby match and ends up on the receiving end of an illegal tackle and in the end? He got his fuckin' ass STEAMROLLED... Knocked completely out. Concussion City. I've always heard about a concussion... You know... Like in Football..."So and so is out for three games with a concussion." I always thought that it was a bunch of bullshit but.... Oh. Comes to find out, Concussions are nothing to play around with. The kid STILL is having problems from it; Don't get me wrong... It's not like He's Steven fucking Hawking or anything like that but.... He's still having issues. (Steven Hawking... That's funny.) I've heard that Steven Hawking is a complete Asshole... If I were him? I'm pretty sure that I'd be an asshole too. So now you can kinda see why this guestroom isn't getting done.... I'm down here pondering the ins and outs of whether or not Steven Hawking is an asshole. The youngest spawn (A.K.A. "The Omelet King") was scarfing down some beef jerky yesterday when along comes the Eldest Spawn (A.K.A "Anchor Head Brown) and swipes the bag... and that's when the shit started. I swear to God... This is gonna tell about my parenting skills but when you hear your kids call each other an asshole? I start cracking up. You can hear the conversation now... "You're being an asshole!" "Well...You're being a BIGGER asshole! ASSHOLE!" (Cracks me up every time.) Now you don't hafta wonder why we don't go out Caroling as a family. It would just turn out to be a bucket of fuck.

  4. "I'll finish up with the guestroom today; I should have had it done last wee..."

    The "WEE" part is supposed to say "Week."

    (I actually CAN spell.)

  5. We have always laughed at the puddles of plastic on the front lawns, but never found a way to describe it as perfectly as you did! I think a blow up Mickey on a porch is kind of cool, but when he deflates, it just looks messy!

    You did a great job on the guest room, Ted, even if you should have had it done last wee! The Miss has decided that what you were trying to say is that you should have had it done after your last pee, whenever that!

    We are sad that we were so full of the other food goodness you served us that we never had a chance to munch and drink on the culinary deliciousness of the omelet/smoothie King. If you will have us, I guess that means another visit is in order? ;)