Ted and I were in the checkout line at the food store the other day talking about Thanksgiving Day plans. We were minding our own business, having this totally harmless conversation…
Me: We need a cornucopia.
Ted: I could wear it on my head.
Me: Just like that chick who used to wear the fruit basket on her head. What was her name?
Ted: Not Rita Moreno.
Me: Not Lola Folana.
Ted: It was Carmen Miranda.
Me: Dude, you could be the Carmen Miranda of Thanksgiving.
And the next thing I knew, Ted is hissing at the lady in front of us in line.
Me: What? Why are you hissing?
Ted: Because that old hag just told the cashier to call security.
Me: On who?
Ted: On me. That’s who.
Me: That’s ridiculous. You aren’t even pretending to have Tourettes today. And, you didn’t start hissing until they threatened to call security. And, OH…your electronic cigarette. They think you are smoking in the store.
About a week ago Ted started smoking these electronic cigarettes. They still have nicotine, but the smoke is actually water vapor. Much better on the lungs. They wanted to throw him in jail for trying to be healthier. It turns out Ted wasn’t actually hissing at them, so much as blowing fake smoke at them just daring them to call someone. And in the end, they didn’t and we checked out instead of having to call someone for bail money.
Our conversation turned back to important Turkey Day matters involving a deep philosophical discussion about history , and Thanksgiving porn. We wondered how true to life the movie Pocahotass actually was.
Next…There is sure to be a food coma in my future. More than likely in the Dragon's future too.
That old bitch shit me off, Man.... She was going to have the cashier call the Wegman's cop on me until I got wind of her little plan... I hear the cashier ask her..."Do you want me to call someone?" (Then I started starting the old bitch down with my best Charlie Manson look.) She was all like... "No... That's alright." I'm like...."Yeah." I fuckin' thought so. Fuckin' bitch. I mean.... Who in their right mind is gonna smoke a REAL cigarette in the checkout line at the grocery fuckin' store. Some people just can do well enough to mind their own fuckin' business. At least she has something to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving... She should be thankful that I didn't tell her about her old fuckin' ASS.... And threw in the suggestion that she should try the Massengil's...Because she looked as if she had that "Not so fresh" feeling. LMFAO! Dumb bitch.... It still pisses me off. So uh...Yeah.... The electronic cigs are great; Whenever I first started them, I had a bitch of a sore throat but I guess now, My body's getting used to it. Imagine... Me doing something healthy... What's this world coming to?
ReplyDeleteROLL ON THE FLOOR.....ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES......mASSENGILS...I can;t type Im laughing so friggin hard....you guys need to be a a dAMN SITCOM...AHAHAHAHAHA ha ha LMFAO BACKWARD S....:)
ReplyDeleteIt gets better. The electronic cigarettes have a social networking feature. If you turn it on, they vibrate or something when there is another electronic cig smoker in the area. WTF? It's like hookup technology for sortof ex-smokers.
ReplyDeleteThe e five are all well and good at first but give me a headache. The beautiful thing about them is that people think you are doing a bat hit. I am so waiting for someone to call the cops so I can be like "Ha! For once I'm actually not doing a bat hit!". They are good for like a 7 hour plane ride , and I so wish you the best of luck, but I the die hard smoker returned to the evil real deal ........
ReplyDeleteI guess that it DID look like I was hitting the bat... In the line.... At the grocery store. Jesus. I sould have tried to see if I could find some old dude that looked like Wilfred Brimley so that I could see if I could bum some needles from his "Diabetus kit..." I don't think that I could actually bum needles from Wilfred Brimley.... He's always so fuckin' hateful. I'd be like... "Hey Man..." "Lemme bum your works!" He'd probably cuss me out.... 'Ol hateful fukka!
ReplyDeleteWhy don't we try actually QUITTING? Now, THAT would be healthy. Chantix. Four weeks and I was done. No more slave to nicotine. Just sayin'!
ReplyDeleteYes, there is nothing worse than an ex-smoker ;)
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Electronic cigs? We HAVE to get them for Magoo for Xmas! Maybe we can all pitch in! Happy Thanksgiving to you all and I am prediciting a good long food coma myself!
ReplyDeleteI think you guys need to carry a hidden video camera to catch all of this stuff...lmao!
ReplyDeleteI hope there will be food porn on this blog tomorrow. ;)
OMG, y'all are so funny. E cigarette, huh? May have to try that myself. Ted, message me about where you got it. I just want to have the experience of going to the grocery store with y'all, I am sure it would be something never forgotten. We are past the food coma here, had great Thanksgiving at Toire's. Started on Christmas Friday (online) and yesterday (Town Center). Love y'all. Aly
ReplyDelete