Monday, May 23, 2011

Sybil the Schizophrenic GPS

We have a Garmin.  Once upon a time, it was very reliable.  I'm not sure what horrible trauma it endured last summer, but lately instead of directions "where to" we've been getting "how can I take you around your ass to get to your elbow today."  It never takes us the same place the same way twice.

My theory centers around the last software update.  When Ted was planning to drive up here with a buddy and visit with us for a couple of weeks (yes, he's still here), I lent them the GPS.  I don't know what they did to it, but they found themselves arriving at their destination (my house) while crossing an overpass in Baltimore on I95.  Since I live in a house in PA, and not in a box under the highway, we figured something went horribly wrong.  When they got here, I figured since I'd never done any kind of update we were due. I plugged her in, updated the software.  Here's where I think they put the whammy on poor Sybil.  They asked if I'd like to purchase updated maps.  I said no.  I mean, the places she had taken me before hadn't changed and if it were somewhere with an update I always had my iPhone.  Why pay?  It asked if I were sure, and I was.  And the update completed.  Since then, I never know which personality I will get.  Will it be the one that diligently takes me to my destination with no glitches?  Will it be the one who keeps me off the highway, even though that setting has not been chosen?  Will it try to put me on a toll road, when I've asked it to steer clear of those?  Will it end me up on a dirt road in the middle of a cornfield?  It's gotten to the point, where I'm afraid to make a turn on a dark back road.

Just yesterday, we were driving home from the female spawn's graduation weekend.  Congrats lady spawn!  We are very proud, and your party was lovely.  So, we were rolling North on I85 when we see "Accident Ahead, Interstate Closed ahead"  notifications.  We got off the highway in Spartanburg to see if we could get to I77 in Charlotte using back roads.  I was trying different apps on my phone, while we just kept trying to head in a northeast direction.  Sybil, clearly having had some time to strongarm my phone, won in the end and we ended up back on 85.  We decided to pull off (as luck has it, right before the road closure and detour), and stop somewhere to get some food and give the damn phone time to actually work and stop crashing.  I'll let Ted kvetch about how Sybil managed to get us to the only county in SC that doesn't allow Sunday sales of beer.  We noticed that the traffic was being detoured onto one route to get back on I85 past the accident and knew we'd be stuck in that mess for hours.  Having left Sybil in the car, we finally got the phone's map app to work and found another way.  Back in the car and zipping along, laughing at all the poor shmo's who weren't as smart as us.  We managed to only add about 45 minutes to our travel time, and this included a stop for nosh.  Take that Sybil.  Onward and upward.

Little did we know, but Sybil was biding her time.  We got back on I85, hit I77 and then caught I81 up through the Shenandoah.  A beautiful drive.  Now, I usually get off of I81 on the PA Turnpike East all the way home.  Sybil was suggesting a different route.  She wanted us to take I66, and she didn't indicate it would take any longer than it should have.  No toll, no brainer.  Ha.  I66 dumps you into Washington DC.  I66 is having road construction.  I66 does not put you directly on I95 (which was my only concern, but since it didn't I took it). I66 does put you on I495 around DC and THEN onto I95.  *grrrr*  No toll? Ha.  I ended up paying 75 cents more in tolls on I95 than I would've on the turnpike, and I ended up with much more stress and aggravation.  We ended up home after 14 hours at midnight.

Sybil -1; The Wannabes-0.

Next...Martha, the Plant Whisperer.  The Growdammit Orchard.  And other fun stuff.


  1. I bought a Garmin a month ago. With free lifetime map updates. Love it.

    Have christened mine 'Gladys'. After Gladys Kravitz.

  2. LMAO. Believe me, if we had the value added option of getting gossip with our maps I might've changed my tune. We bought ours before the day of free cellphone apps, hence why the unlimited map update option was not available to us. Then they go and program those f*ers to debilitate the smart phones. I'm thinking the true Terminator is coming through GPS tech. Sybil had us by the balls.

  3. That fuckin' thing..... If Sybil would have clued me into the Sunday sales thing... i wouldn't bitch but I swear.... that piece of shit Garmin is about as useless as tits on a fish. I can honestly say that it's never taken us the same route twice. What a piece of junk. Anyways...

    Yep! The Female spawn has graduated from High School! One down... Two ta go. I wasn't particularly excited about hanging out with the Ex wife and her family but I'll hafta fess up.... it was a great time. Lemme back up.... It was a great time until her "New" 'Ol man opened his fuckin' yap hole and started acting like he had fuckin' vaginal itch. I've never heard a grown man act like such a little fuckin' pussy as much as this dude. Alright... I'm over it. (Just sayin')

    So we thought that we had us a garden.... Michele's Mom's garden just flat out "Ate our lunch." I don't even know what to say except for... "Pictures to follow..." SHE has a garden; For the rest of us? (We don't have a garden.) We were sent on our way with ALL SORTS of cool additions for our "garden" and I think that with what she gave us... We'll bring what we have to another level. Black Berries... Raspberries... Blue Berries (I think... I forget what all she DIDN'T give us!) What a good time... She's pretty cool.

    Did I mention that the upstairs hallway is done? If not. **Newsflash!** The upstairs hallway is done! Here's another newsflash.... Farmer Chele is hot as SHIT!

    The "Lair" is shaping up nicely. I tune into the BBC World Service and check out what's what with the World and just... Pretty much... hang out down there all day and piddle around. What I NEED to do is go out and mow some grass and work on our compost area so that's what I'm gonna do. (Not that I'm bitchin' about it but...) This rain is for the birds! We had to drive 600 miles to see the sun! The second that we returned home? Rain.... (For the next week.) It's been raining for about two weeks straight; Like i say.... I'm not bitchin' because it's SURE saving on the water bill. Speaking of... Chele popped open the water bill last night?... And I watched fire shoot out of her fuckin' eye sockets. Man.... She was good and pissed. I just rolled over and went to sleep; I could just see me fuckin' up and saying something stupid and then getting my ass handed to me! (So I went to sleep.)

  4. Farmer Ted, you were a smart man to roll over and go to sleep. A woman and her 'should not be as high as that' water bill is a powerful thing. Trust me. Been there, done that!

    I am going to admit that we don't have a GPS. Mark has always wanted one (of course, he's a dude!), but I wanted to wait because I knew that one day, they just had to offer free updates. And look, it happened! I would have been as mad as Farmer Chele is with Sybil right now, and then, Mark would have had to rolled over in the car and gone to sleep. ;)

  5. Yeah.... I just didn't see any "Sweet Lovin'" in my future so I figured that I'd just go to sleep. (Fuckin' water bill.....) Cramping my style!

  6. We have a Garmin, too. It's been good for the last year. There were a few mishaps, but nothing outrageous.

    I heard yiddish? don't look...yiddy ;-)