The most memorable weird files incident I've had to date was when the youngest spawn was 5 or 6 and the eldest around 9 or 10. Clearly, they were potty trained. I woke up one morning, went downstairs to make breakfast and there was a dirty diaper in the kitchen trash. Huh?
Potty training. Boy, I don't miss those days. The eldest was easy. We bribed him with a ginormous toy backhoe. It sat on the top of the fridge for about two weeks. And that was that. The youngest, my stubborn child, took a little longer. He turned 3, and we started. That child went everywhere, except the toilet. One day after about a month, I made him sit for what seemed hours. No dice. We were in the process of making cookies, so I let him come back in the kitchen. He no sooner climbed back onto the chair to help and peed all over the cabinets. I was defeated. I sat him down and told him that 4 was the magic number. I said that they don't make diapers for 4 year olds, so when that day came and he had no more diapers if he had an accident then he'd be the one cleaning it up. The morning of his 4th birthday, he woke up. We put on big boy underpants. That child hasn't had an accident, not even at night, ever. Not once. And that's where the stubbornness becomes a blessing.
Look! More yellow tomatoes. And, some peas. The peas have been disappointing this year. We'll go straight from seeds next time and put plenty down.
And for tonight's finale...
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| The Not So Elusive Hummer |
That's right folks. Thumper showed up, lulled the Dragon into a comatose state. Just as I was blogging about missing the hummingbird...again...he?...she?...it?...decided to come back for seconds. Teehee.
Next...I dunno, but I'm having yellow cherry tomatoes with balsamic vinaigrette with my lunch tomorrow. We already snacked on the peas.
When I lived on The Loverly Isle of Long, I used to grow those "firecracker" flowers too, just so I could lure the humming birds to my patio!
ReplyDeleteSo, the dirty diaper.... did you ever figure that one out? Someone came into your kitchen in the dead of the night, just to toss a dirty diaper in your trash? That was considerate, I guess - at least they didn't merely toss it on your lawn!
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No, and I never found my missing Salad Spinner either. Farmer Ted has a story about a lawn and a dirty diaper though. Wait for it.
ReplyDeleteThis story really doesn't fall into the "Weird files" but it certainly falls under the "Now THAT shit takes the cake files." Check THIS out....
ReplyDeleteAbout three or four years ago at 4th of July.... There were SO MANY people who came to Folly Beach.....It was nuts. Tens of thousands of visitors to a small island that's about.... I dunno.... 7 miles long and about a quarter mile wide. Anyways.... After the party was over, We locals awoke to find that entire Island was absolutely f-u-c-k-i-n-g TRASHED! (Especially the beach.) To give ya some idea of it....It took over 600 volunteers over two full days to clean the place up. There was so much garbage....Even the trash man had to work double shifts. So.... Needless to say....The locals were out for blood. An emergency town council meeting was held so that they could pass a STRICT law pertaining to littering which ended up being a 1200.00 dollar fine. (Here's the good part...) So a few days later I'm looking out my kitchen window doing my usual morning bikini watch when here comes this convertible mustang rip roarin' down my street and parks "kinda off the street " and "Kinda in my yard." (Against the traffic....Naturally. (Which by the way.... Is a 150.00 dollar fine) Anyways..... This bimbo chick opens the car door and the first thing she does is dump her fuckin' ashtray out in my yard... (!) I was SHITTIN'.... I was going to make a bee-line down there and tell her about her ass.... but I paused whenever I saw that she was getting a toddler out of the car seat.....Okay...I won't bomb her with my filthy ass mouth for the sake of the kid... So she's messin' around....Messin' around with the kid when the next thing ya know....She tosses a shit ass diaper....Onto my front lawn....and then heads off towards the beach (After cleaning out her car on my lawn...) Diaper...Ash tray..... Empty beer cans....Shit like that. Great! So now I hafta go clean up HER shit...Outta MY yard!
And that's exactly what I did. Seeing as how MY garbage cans were full... I had no choice but to use the next best trash container; You guessed it....This Bitch's car (Who happened to have the top down! (How easy.) So I tossed all of her shit back into her car and I figured that since I had the opportunity... I might as well free up some room in MY garbage cans so ...Right in her car that shit went. The cat box was getting kinda...uh...Let's just say..."Mature" so I out it goes... Into her car! Now before I did all of this house cleaning... I figured that I should take pictures of her mess in my yard... So I did and then I called the Police chief... (Who happened to be one of my closest friends) and told him the story. He shows up..... I showed him the pictures and he takes a look at the car and starts writing tickets. He came in and we hung out for a while because you can't just leave a ticket for littering on the wind shield of a car. So about an hour later here she comes..... The first thing she saw was her car full of fuckin' garbage and she... Went... bananas. Then she saw about 500 dollars worth of tickets on her car! (Then she was GOOD and pissed.) This bimbo made a bee-line for my front door RAISING HELL! (With her baby on her hip) and I mean... This chick was coming for a piece of MY ASS! Here she comes up the stairs and who do you think met her at the front door? Yeah.... The Chief of Police. To make a long story short... She calmed down "A little" whenever he tore into her ASS until he popped off the last ticket.... Littering. $1200.00 bucks worth. I thought this girl was gonna shoot fire out of her eyeballs. She went OFF! That's when the Chief "Kindly" informed her that if she didn't shut her yip.... He'd have no choice but to take her to the station for disturbing the peace and her little kid...(Who was still on her hip) would go into the custody of the Department of Social Services. And THAT'S the story of a dirty diaper.
And how about that picture of the Hummingbird?! Huh? Huh??? I told you that we'd get a picture of it! Naturally....Rufus Dragon was right there in the thick of it....Doing what he does best... Which is nothing.
ReplyDeleteI am dyslexic! I thought it said Weird Flies, and I kept looking for a story about a fly! LOLOLOL And now I must go drink some coffee.
ReplyDeleteGreat picture of the hummingbird! Looks like the expensive ass camera is paying off!
ReplyDeleteOh and Ted I LOVE your reaction to the litter bug bitch that threw shit in your yard!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE that camera! Dumb bitch that trashed my yard??? (With her kid on her hip...) That kills me... Not so much love....
ReplyDeleteJesus, Christa.... Smoke another one.
ReplyDeletehaha...isn't it great getting older? We have so many more stories to tell! And Ted, you have some GREAT ones! I think you should consider writing a bathroom reader.
ReplyDeleteI think your Hummer is a female. The males are rich in color to help them win over their true love~
Once again, you two have brought me smiles and Laugh Out Louds!
:-)
Hah! I have done that to someone with a convertible, back in NY. It was a McDonald's bag. I was out walking and the convertible full of teen girls was cruising. They flung the bag out of the car at the gate of my community (this was when I lived on Da Loverly Isle of Long). Well, since they were slowly cruising, it was easy to jog up to the back of the car and pop the bag back in. They were astonished and about to go all arrogant Lawn Guyland snotty teen on my ass when I pointed to the palm of my hand and called out "I wrote down your license plate number. Now scram." They left. And they took their garbage with them.
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PS - I have no tolerance for leaving trash around but especially for leaving it on a beach, where it can harm the environment and wildlife. Had I lived on your island, I would have pushed for much more than a harsh fine. I would have pushed for island occupancy limits and fees to get on the island, to park on the island, etc - STEEP fees, with towing and everything. Make it a little less attractive to come there in the first place.
Oh.... That came up Tink.... That was ALL a part of that "Midnight meeting" of the town council. They were going to deem the Island private and seeing as how there's only one way off and on....They were considering making it a toll road.
ReplyDeleteThe local business owners quickly started to cry about THAT so now they've settled for the 1200.00 fine for littering and the residents have the hot line to the police station. It's pretty easy pickin's now that everyone has a cell phone and the guy sitting next to you on the beach just busted you for littering.... Along with underage drinking....Along with burning weed on the beach.... Etc. Etc. Etc.
(Keeps the riff raff at bey...)
What I love most about your blog is how much I laugh when I come here to read. I could be having a craptastic day(kind of fits in with the trash theme, yes?), but once I stop in, I leave with a smile on my face. =)
ReplyDeleteI think you have elves in your house. Just sayin'.
Well Mare... That makes two of us because I sit here and crack myself up. It's the things that you forget....Or things that weren't funny at the time.... Shit like that is what kills me. Here's an example.... When the Spawnette was about 9 or 10... we we're over at my buddy's garage (Lair) and he had an old LP player with some albums. She was all enthralled with it because she'd never seen one, So we gave it to her; Man....You'd think that we gave her a brick of gold or something; Anyways..... She wanted to call her Mum and tell her about what she had just scored. It went like this.... "Mum... Dad and Uncle Dan just gave me a record player with some LSD's!" (I could hear her Mother over the phone....) "Lemme talk to your Father!!!!"
ReplyDeleteNever a dull moment...
Ted, your story above is the reason why I continue blogging, although sometimes, not as regularly as I should...lol! Even if we are the only ones who read our words and peek at our photos, it gives us a place to document our lives and all those memories that are tucked away. Pretty cool reason for logging on everyday, methinks!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty surprised at how many views that we get daily...But very few people comment? Oh well... it's just a peek into what we have going on over here which is....as you can see...Not much; But ya know... Fuck it... We're not out getting all drunk up at the bars, neglecting the kids and shit. (It's all about the family over here.)
ReplyDeleteSmoke 'em if you've got 'em, but I don't have 'em! :(
ReplyDelete