Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Thong Mom

I have an "ass dress."  It's a cute little black knit dress from Ann Taylor Loft.  The first time Ted saw me in it, he referred to it as my ass dress.  I thought he meant it made my ass look fantastic.  Wrong.

The next time I wore it, he said "Nice pink thong."  So, I figured he called it my ass dress because you could see colored underthings through it.  Wrong.

The other day I had it on, and it turns out that when I'm outside in the sunlight you can actually see my ass through the damn dress.  Even when what's underneath is black.  At least I can only hope it's when I'm out in the sun, and not at the office.  You'd think if I'm showing my ass in the office SOMEONE would have pulled me aside and said, "Hey, I can see your ass through your dress."

Y'all.  Always, Always tell someone when they have shit in their teeth, their zipper is down or their ass is  visible through their dress.  It only makes you look like an asshole if I've been speaking to you, get home and realize I have a piece of spinach the size of China covering an incisor.

The only time my advice about a tag hanging out wasn't well received was when I gave a heads up to Thong Mom.  Thong Mom was a mom of a kid in the youngest spawn's preschool class.  She had a penchant for wearing low riding pants that showed off her panties and their witty saying everytime she bent over to hug her bundle of joy.  Which was often.  We were at preschool graduation, and Thong Mom bent to hug the spawn but instead of seeing "Sexy" I saw a tag.  Her thong was inside out.  Not being one to not tell someone if spinach is in their teeth, I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Your tag's showing."  She reached up to the back of her neck, and I said "Not that one."  She did not thank me.

Next...I dunno.  What I do know is that I need a slip.  Do they still make those?


  1. I can't wait to comment on this in the morning...

    Stay tuned.....

  2. Alright.... Yeah.... I know that chick that wears short shorts to her Kid's school. I don't know THIS one in particular... But every classroom has THAT Mom. Who in the Hell can't wear their drawers without putting them on inside outwards... It's been my observation as a guy.... That the ladies that like to show off the thong... Is the same one that doesn't wear a bra... and 9 times out of 10... Doesn't look all that good. Actually.... It's rare. "Look at Me! Look at Me!" I hate people like that... Gets on my fuckin' nerves. I'm all about a woman that takes some fuckin' pride about her looks and has at least a LITTLE bit of class to her. Who in the fuck wears short shorts to their kid's school anyways?! Fuckin' scag.

    Last year..... We went to the youngest spawn's elementary school graduation and this one bitch that was sittin' in front of us was just FUCKING outrageous; Here she comes wearing some tight ass jeans... Way too much makeup... and to top it off...(Literally) This chick had the biggest fuckin' hairdo that I've ever seen on a....Uh...How can I put it...The biggest fuckin' hairdo on a young(ish) woman. I mean.... I'm not gonna come right out and say that someone's "Ugly" because ya know... Some people just can't help it; But this one bitch looked like a fuckin' train wreck. She HAS to have a mirror SOMEWHERE in her house to be able to do up that stupid ass hairdo that she had.... She can't fuckin' see that she looks like she crawled outta a fuckin' garbage can?! (Bitch had Oscar the Grouch lookin' hair.)

    Sorry.... That was my "Rant" for the day. It just gets under my skin whenever someone shows up at their child's school and makes it all about them.... "Look at my ass!!!" "Look at my ass!!!" Jesus.... Have some quoth.

    I can't believe that I actually know about the word "Quoth" much less how to spell it.

  3. Oh, this gets better. A couple of years ago, I was at the school picking up the spawn. You have to park and go to a side entrance and sign your spawn out to do this. There are ALWAYS those people whose time is more important than yours and they park in the fire lane or the handicap spots. You know the ones. Anyways, the mom Ted talks about above is behind me in line and this other mom comes rolling up pissed and starts yelling at "Look At Me" mom. Apparently Miss "Look at Me" ran a red light out in front of the school and almost caused an accident with a school bus full of kids b/c of it AND was parked in a handicap spot. Some people man. Some people. Ted forgot to mention her bad nose job. He must not have noticed because her hair is a hot mess.

  4. "Couth..." Got it.

    I remember Farmer Chele telling me about that chick with the handicap parking.... She said that when the one woman was bitchin' her out about parking there.... She tried to say that her daughter was Handicap. (Now THAT... My friends... is some low down shit.) I'm at a loss for words.

  5. So, is Ted in trouble for not elaborating about the ass in "ass dress"? ;)

    The Spawnette has always been a people watcher. Because of this, she is the first one to catch Thong Moms and other Hot Messes. I curse the day that she learned that phrase, because she uses it quite often, and sometimes, not quietly. Haha! We came up with something else instead, for those days when the edit button is not working on Miss Snarkypants. "HMA! To your right!"

    I also wonder if they still make slips. Spawnette and I were just talking about that the other day after she spotted a HMA. She most definitely wasn't wearing a pink thong. ;)

  6. I've been waiting for this on the blog. Teddy told me about it the other. Michele I had your back and told him he should have told you! We have the "Look at Me" moms all over James Island. we had one mom that would come to events at Christopher's school that I swear Tammy Fay Baker was her role model. I mean the HUGE fake blonde hair, extra long fake nail, ass load of makeup that must have required a butter knife to put on and ALWAYS very low cut, tight shirts with the push up bra showing her fake boobs up in the air. I wonder about people that are so willing to be so fake on the outside and if they are that fake on the inside as well.

  7. I was going to ask what the heck quoth was! :) Yeah, we have plenty of those moms in Mt P, too. Especially the ones who believe that their time is more valuable than everyone else's. And shame on Ted for not telling you. Maybe he was just enjoying the view!

    Alys Anne

  8. Me and the guys in Chele's office enjoy a nice view!

  9. Ted is not in trouble. He likes looking at my ass. What can I say? And yeah, Look At Me Mom told the woman her daughter was handicapped just at the moment the daughter came skipping out of the school. What a piece of work.